Throwback Thursday: Life Without Superheroes

Sometimes it’s fun to go back through past projects with old coworkers. I don’t work with the company that published this article initially anymore. I haven’t spoken to Timothy in a while. The good news? We both have a pretty good sense of humor. So take a little bit of time to read up on what would have happened had the superheroes not saved us.

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 10.23.00 AM

By Meredith Schneider, Timothy Dillon, and Guest Stars

Superhero

We all wish we could be superheroes. Who wouldn’t want magical powers that allow them to be badasses so that they could run amok around the city? …And save the world, of course.

We all know the typical superhero stories: Batman, Superman, Iron Man, Spiderman, etc. Boy happens upon crazy, awesome powers that render him hyper-aware of the havoc that exists in the world around him. Instead of sitting in his home making modern art with his web-encrusted fingers, he decides to save the world, offing one crazed villain at a time.

But what if Spiderman had decided to stay back and let that spider bite fester? What if Captain America had just allowed himself to be a one note pony male model? What if Bruce Wayne had simply assumed his role at Wayne Enterprises, and not been at all curious about the advanced military technology Mr. Fox had hiding away? The world as we know it–safe and happy–would not exist. So, on behalf of Danger Week, it’s time to evaluate the dangers we would all face had these heroes never been around to save us.

Screen Shot 2014-12-14 at 10.21.34 AM

Plot: Batman Begins

Bruce Wayne is orphaned. He then becomes the greatest superhero Gotham has ever known, in order to avenge his parents’ murders. Ra’s Al Ghul rises with the plan to destroy Gotham with fear serum to overturn the city with mass panic and viciousness. Batman won’t let that happen. Ra’s dies. The end.

Alternate Ending (As told by Superhero Savant, Matthew Bitley):

Had Ra’s al Ghul’s plan [to unleash the fear serum across Gotham] in Batman Begins succeeded, Bruce would have immediately found James Gordon and Rachel Dawes, the only two inoculated individuals in Gotham, and brought them back to the Bat Cave to formulate a plan to restore order and sanity to the city. It is not known where Lucius Fox was at the time, but assuming he was in the basement beneath Wayne Tower synthesizing the rest of the cure for Scarecrow’s fear toxin, he would have also been driven mad, as was the rest of Gotham, and without him, there would be no immediate way to cure the remainder of the population. Batman would attempt to collect any notes or research Lucius left behind and make efforts to replicate the serum himself.

Meanwhile, the National Guard would be called in to restore order, resulting in a military police state of the city, which would prevent the events of Dark Knight Rises from ever happening. With Gotham crippled, Bane would not feel the need to take over, and Ra’s and Talia would simply move on to the next city to “restore the balance”. The Joker may still be a threat of course, but with an ever-present military occupation, it’d make it much harder for him to operate. Eventually, Gotham would be purged of Ra’s fear-crazed victims, though depending on who was killed during those events, it would most likely be reduced to a cesspool of crime and despair.
Screen Shot 2014-12-14 at 10.22.35 AM

Plot: Captain America: The First Avenger

The military does not want Steve Rogers because he has too many health and physical problems. He enlists and–with the help of a scientist–becomes a super soldier and is paraded around the nation is Captain America to promote the war. He hears that his friend died, but infiltrates the HYDRA organization and finds him. He frees his friend and other soldiers. The Red Skull is behind it, and now he knows Captain America is responsible for saving the soldiers. Captain America recruits more guys to destroy all of the HYDRA bases and stops Red Skull from taking over the world.

Alternate Ending (As told by Comic Connoisseur, Marc Huber):

Had Red Skull successfully harnessed the power of the cosmic cube, the Nazi party would operate on a global scale. It’s hard to say how many lives would have been lost or enslaved. Luckily for the sake of humanity, evil was conquered so it may one day rise again for another story arc.
Screen Shot 2014-12-14 at 10.23.03 AM

Plot: Superman: The Movie

A little boy is sent to Earth when his father realizes that the destruction of their home planet is imminent. This boy is just like everyone else from the planet Krypton, which just so happens to makes him a superhuman on Earth. On Earth, he is discovered in Smallville and grows up on a farm, taking on the name “Clark Kent”. Clark Kent eventually learns of his alien origin and vows to protect Earth. He becomes a reporter and saves the world many times. Lex Luthor plans to launch nuclear missiles at the San Andreas Fault and New Jersey. Superman stops the NJ missile and has to correct the damage caused by the San Andreas missile. In a twist ending, Superman saves all.

Alternate Ending (As told by DC Devotee, Michael Stramel):

Had Lex Luthor succeeded in a nuclear launch, he’d have been in a position to rule the US and eventually the world, from his own coastline.

Alternate Alternate Ending:

Hackensack and the surrounding areas are destroyed, including all of Sinatra’s old haunts. Sinatra enthusiasts everywhere rise up, but are no match for Luthor’s missile command. California falls. Lex Luthor creates an empire in the desert. The film industry ceases to exist in the U.S. because of the depletion of its Los Angeles empire, so Americans are forced to import foreign films and Bollywood becomes the #1 destination for cinema. Luthor owns Bollywood. Luthor also commissions the building of statues and monuments to honor himself right next to other famous landmarks (i.e. the Eiffel Tower, Statue of Liberty, Sphynx, etc.) for no reason. His face is now on Mt. Rushmore.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s