The Circus Ruins Everything

I’m not usually a super jealous person. But I have friends who are having babies. I have friends who are adopting little fur babies. All my friends have something small and cute. And sadly, I’m almost to the point where I would give in to my boyfriend’s taunts of getting me a kitten. (I really want a puppy, but I have to move out first. Kittens are more self-sustaining, and mine wouldn’t stay at my parents’ house like I do.) But I will refrain from this kitten idea, because we all know how I feel about cats.

Well, my little furry friend fever may have been at an all time high this year, but I’m here to tell you… that’s all over.

The circus ruins everything.

I work in a box office. At an arena. I quite enjoy this part-time job, and I love the staff I work with. But the circus ruins everything. (Last year, I ranted during the circus too. But it was about religion. Who knew?)

Once a year, the circus comes to town. I grew up with the circus. I love the circus. Hell, I was in a Disney circus movie when I was three. You won’t find someone who is a grown ass bitch like me and still loves that kind of shit like I do. But there are two events I despise working at this arena, and one of them is the circus.

Let me paint a picture for you…

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5 days. 5 days, 8 performances. That’s 5 days and 8 performances you can enter wrong into the system and print incorrectly. That’s a 1 in 8 chance of getting someone’s order perfectly right. ALWAYS TRIPLE CHECK THEIR EVENT TIME. This also gives the customer 7234891478291 more ways to mess up their order, blame us for buying the wrong tickets, and bitch about it consistently to us. It gives grown ass people an excuse to bring 10 of their family members to the window at the same time to clog up the sidewalk and make us look slow, so that they can yell at us and cuss in front of their kids when they find out that the advertising “Starting at $10” doesn’t include our $2 facility charge.

Every venue charges a facility charge. This is not new.

And I’m pretty sure you yelled at me for the same reason last year, made an idiot of yourself in front of your family, cried and tried to get my manager involved, and then still walked away with the tickets I sold you because I made sure to give you the best possible deal. If you have a problem with the ticket pricing, you can call the circus. They set the price points every year. Inflation IS a factor. I’m sorry I can’t charge you based on income.

I’m poor too.

There is no price level lower than the child’s price. Which is only available during 4 of the 8 showtimes. And it also involves a facility fee. I’m sorry. Your child is still a person. They still take up a seat. They’ll probably also eat more food than you do, and I bet you buy it for them and don’t complain about the high prices to the vendors. Because food is always worth more than the cost of admission. Plus, they didn’t set the prices. (Neither did we.)

It’s always a good idea to show up a half hour before showtime and expect to get fifth row on the side for your kids and their three friends. We have had these tickets on sale for six months. So, please show up right before showtime, get in a half hour line, blame us for taking so long, and ask 600 dumb questions. Then please make sure you tell us how horrible our customer service is when we pull the best available seating for you and you hate it.

It’s definitely our fault that you didn’t buy in advance.

It’s also probably our fault that you didn’t bring enough cash to cover those facility fees you forget about. Every year.

No, we cannot accept more than one form of payment for each transaction. This is a basic rule at most box offices. It makes it difficult to swap the tickets out when you decide you accidentally bought them for the wrong show online. But that’s our fault because we held your hand at your computer last week when you purchased them and “made it difficult to understand” what you were buying. We are here to fix all the boo boos you cause. We need you to make it easier for us.

Also, if you want a discount, contact us in advance. Group sales ends at a certain time on a certain day IN ADVANCE OF THE SHOW. They also go through a different department. It’s called the “Group Sales Department”. The computer system is set up so only those people can sell those tickets. I can’t. It’s not my fault. I also am not paid to hand out coupons. We don’t start out with coupons here, and if you want a discount you need to look for them out and about in the world on your own. If we provided discounts here, what would be the point in ever charging full price? Hunt the coupons down. Bring the coupons to the window. We need them for inventory. And DO NOT TRY TO USE A “ONLINE ONLY” CODE AT THE WINDOW. Read the fine print. For everything in life.

Don’t come up to the window and say, “I need row 6 because I have small children.” EVERYONE THAT IS GOING TO THE CIRCUS HAS SMALL CHILDREN. I cannot possibly make an exception for everyone. As it is, I pull best available and I work with you on your needs and preferences. Do not make me regret that.

As a last note… please–for the love of God–understand that the seating in an arena was designed so that you can see from every angle. We do not sell tickets to you where you “cannot see” the event. That would pose some legal issues on everyone’s end. This is why the event works on a seating configuration. And we have employees who work with this configuration for months in advance. If you can’t see from there, it’s not my fault. I often get blamed for silly things, like the location of the box office. “YOU didn’t build it correctly,” or, “You guys make it difficult to…” I am not a savant, as much as I’d like to claim it. This arena opened when I was eighteen, and was planned far before that. Don’t blame me–the part-time ticket seller–for something that was approved BY THE CITY years ago. If you had an opinion, you should have shared it then.

Plus the design of the structure has raised seating, so you can see from your seat. It’s the way the Colosseum was, and it’s worked for centuries. Literally.

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Now to my actual point. There are kids here. So many kids. Lots of kids. And they’re small and they’re cute. Until they open their mouths. Their teeth are covered in Cheeto dust. Their noses have foreign objects hanging inside them. They sneeze. They cough. Every single one of them have contracted some type of flu because they’re in school now and no one knows how to wash their hands or cover their coughs. They touch the money, they yank at their parents’ clothing, and they say weird things.

Kids say weird things.

So, as much as the idea of miniature things seems awesome, I’m going to trump the entire thought. Because the circus ruined it. I lose my faith in humanity every year during the circus. The circus ruins everything.

I am now going to spend the rest of the day wondering how many people complained about the nosebleed seats at the Colosseum.

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