Part 3: Ceremony Extravaganza

Hey kids! Sorry to leave (the three of) you waiting on my next post/installment about my fake wedding. My best friend of seventeen years flew out to see me, so I was away from mi computadora. So today, you get the ceremony part of the whole debacle. AKA the BORING part (or the only part that really matters in the entire fiasco, obviously).

On the day of, my entire wedding party would be over to my hotel/home for an entire breakfast spread. Although I would love to adapt the NYC brunch thing for this event, it has to happen early because of all of the fun and fancy things that will be occurring later. I will have woken up early for a run (right?) and then made pumpkin pancakes (it doesn’t have to be autumn to enjoy awesome), french toast, an array of coffee and hot tea, sausages, bacon, hash browns, eggs (all scrambled, for I know no better), etc. Everyone would be forced to show up with NO makeup or hair done… no showers or anything. Because NO ONE SHOULD ACTUALLY CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! And yes, I would have a photographer capturing that breakfast because that’s hilarious. And mean. And I am hilarious. And mean.

Everyone would take turns in the shower (and by that I mean the guys… girls are obviously ready ahead of time). I would have a team of makeup artists and hair people for the girls in my wedding. I would probably do my own, because I don’t trust a single other person with my hair or face. (This stems from a couple of botched eyebrow waxes in my life, and I think that’s a fair enough excuse.) I wouldn’t do everyone else’s because I wouldn’t have time for myself, which has proven itself true at several events. Sorry kids, this day is all about me!

I would give everyone a personalized gift while we were getting ready. Honestly, I don’t see a single person with the same thing. Joe really likes Moose Drool… so it would probably be some sort of beer fridge with an array of happy Moose Drool. A handful of my friends are wine-os, so WINE NOT (haha. ha!) fancy wine racks with amazing wine? You know, fun things like that! Although, perhaps not all alcohol-related?


I will have made every person’s dress by hand. Sincerely, also an awesome gift. But they’d really be dresses you can wear again. And you WOULDN’T have to shorten them! Dresses like the following:


In my perfect world, my dress would be along the lines of this:


Not pink. Hell to the no not pink. And probably some random Swarovski in that sucker. And we can’t forget the guys! How about this amazing suit?…


You’re welcome, my friends.

Anyway, my dad will be walking me down the main aisle at the House of Blues in Chicago. Nothing really has to be done there, because it is too pretty to cover it up with frilly shit and flowers. I will walk in to “Crazy Beautiful” by Hanson.

I am flattered that you don’t have to ask why.

I will walk up to the front, where there will not be anyone waiting for me. Because it is ALL. ABOUT. ME. And then, everyone that is in my wedding party will sing with me. It will be a giant concert. We will do duets and dances. Alex will read a speech I wrote, because she is the reader and she would probably sound better saying it. Michelle will sing “Fast Car” by Annie Lenox with me. Joe would do the dances he does for his daughter, Elaina, who will join in. Ian, Erin and I will close it out with a series of songs that we will sing and do the instrumentals for. The songs will be amazing, timeless classics. This will include 2 Chainz’s “Birthday Song”, The Wombats’ “Jump Into The Fog”, and Kid Cudi’s “Wild’n Cuz I’m Young”.

Instead of a kiss at the end, everyone would be forced to hold hands on stage and have the photographer take a High School Musical, jumping shot of us. No one can leave the venue until we get a perfect photo. Of all of us. Jumping.


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