Part 2: Pre-Wedding Jitters…

You guys, it’s not an actual wedding. And nothing I say is to demean or disrespect the beautiful tradition that is a wedding or marriage. Therefore, none of this can be held against me in the court of law… aka, don’t take offense to it. Thanks!

Everyone’s got the several month lead up to “The Big Day”. In the months before my big day, I need to start with “Save the Dates”. I have to make sure that everyone I want is at my shindig! So, I will get my lovely sister to photograph me, much like senior portraits (but better).

Image Like this… you know, to remind people how angelic I am.


And like this… to remind people how dazzling and AWESOME I am.


 And this, sans cat. To display how hipster I am… sans cat.

And once the photos are taken, I will make a beautiful collage “Save the Date” for only the most fabulous people to attend my party. So, everyone I know.

Between “Save the Date” time and “Invitation” time, there is a lot to plan for this day. I will probably join a gym. Wait, I already belong to a gym. So I will start going to the gym… but more than I do. And I’ll probably take up those free training classes they have at my gym. Because I don’t do that now, and everyone knows the wedding diet is probably the most important thing about the event. It’s a time to reinvent yourself… don’t worry about that other person involved (And, in my case, there WON’T be another person involved. Happy Birthday to me!). I will probably also start a blog about my transformation pre-event. Because EVERYONE wants to read about how many pounds I have dropped in the last week. “I just wanna lose three pounds!”

Invites. Can you say rainbow explosion???? Actually, they’d be classy. The colors I had originally thought of have been subsequently taken (not on purpose) by other weddings I have attended/been in. But I want to go all out in this extravaganza. Yellow is my favorite color. It WILL be involved. Maybe my invites would be boxes of cupcakes? Or a formal invitation with a USB drive packed with fun things to do for the day/leading up to it (also with all of my URLs and my blog and Pinterest pages so that my Klout score jumps). You know, gotta keep it real.

By the way, the venue would be a music hall. Preferably a House of Blues and quite possibly the one in Chicago. But I have wiggle room. I don’t know a church that would actually be okay with me entertaining a group of people in a non-spiritual way on the altar. Travesty.

I choose Chicago because I have friends from all over the place. Chicago is (more or less) centrally located, and there is a giant lake to look over that resembles the beach that I wouldn’t mind having a party at if I had time to hang out by a beach right now. Plus people actually want to visit Chicago. I would want as many people there for my spectacle as possible.

Pre-day I would buy a fabulous dress that I would be subject to wear all day, book photographers (although good ol’ DoubleTake would be handy for it all), etc. I have a prospective list for people who I would ask to be in the event… Since I am the center of attention, I think I get to choose twice as many people as the perfect number (seven). So, this is my wedding party:




I think I would also take full advantage of the tanning beds at my workout facility. Gotta have that glow (and a heightened chance of skin cancer)! Plus, I want goggle marks that I have to cake in makeup on the day of. Duh.


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